life

predicaments in life can get rough....why does it get hard for me? when i get too into myself and forget that the only being i really need is jesus...im listening to some gospel music right now...if i just set everything aside and put Jesus as my center...then i'll be fine....and i am feeling better just constantly reminding myself of that...i tend to fixate other things to fulfill me...things that cannot be depended on..if i just depend on him so very much...i wont have to feel despair and disappointed when things dont work out here..i juss need to let go of all these earthly things...it'll be a long process but i look forward to it,..no matter how hard and long it is....sigh*...i just dun want to play mind games anymore with myself and make up scenarios in my head and worry myself to death...i asked sam yesterday if she feels insecure...she was naming all these physical insecuries...but i told her whut i meant was mental insecurities...and she said she had none...which im glad she's so blessed with...and she said "but i never came from a home where my dad put me down and hit me."..yeah..i dun feel bad anymore that i have these nagging insecurities anymore because God has pulled me thru a long way...i used to hate myself and insult myself for having these imperfections in me...it's like im hurt..and i hurt myself even more....and i know it's the devil provoking me to do so..God has done a 180 on me...and that's all that matters...and he is still working in me.

before i was focused on things that i wasnt even ready for....now i just want to work on myself ...to love myself...to be okay wit myself cuz i am not...not reallie...this time is good in fixing the things that need to be fixed in me...u would think it's messed up for someone not to love another person...but not being to love urself...well we're a fallen world right?

.i want to put him above all things that no matter what happens...my heart will not be shakened...it will stay firmly at peace...because i love him with all of my heart..he will give me strength and i will open myself up to him so he can come in and rescue me...i think these past months...Gods been teaching me how to really put him above everything else...i've been smacked a couple of times by him...to wake up...and i enjoyed it...the only smacks that i will ever really appreciate....cuz his smacks are smacks of love hahaha loll.....everyday i just pray that i make jesus my first and only love ever......it's just hard...i will remember to love him the most...but get distracted later...before when i was selfished...i never realized it...now he's always keeping me accountable...and i just feel so bad when lookin back...and seeing how selfish i was...and i apologize to him a thousand times....when i know he's forgiven me already...and that i dun need to keep feeling bad...but i do...and then i hear lilas voice...telling me..it's teh devil that makes us feel like we're not good enough for God's love...and tries to make us feel guilty...when all God really wants is for us to move on and forget about what is done...like the bible tells us so...im so so veryyy sorry God....help me love u more and love ur ppl more.... I LOVE YOU FATHER